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Overstimulation and the need for output

Trying to explain why feeling vulnerable is so hard for me. Explaining when I have to stray from my fierce independence and be vulnerable, it's incredibly difficult for me. And when I'm vulnerable and someone doesn't want to be there for me. I crumble, all of the walls of my defenses I've used to deal with people in my life crumble before me.

"It's just that, I already have this feeling that I'm a burden"

At first just the tightening of the throat happened, and the quiver of tears, but it hit me so suddenly and unexpectedly. Sometimes the faintest words seem so insignificant in your head but when you say them the immensity of their meaning floods over you.  I was embarrassed as my body started trembling and my stomach clenched with tears. "I'm sorry" I said as I shook my hands repeatedly and rapidly to try to relieve the intensity. I realized I kept shaking my hands this way, like someone drying their nails frantically, as if the motion averted some fatal calamity. I kept doing it, almost always preceding or following "Sorry". It was a way of distraction, a way of getting rid of some of the overstimulation in an output.

It wasn't until later tonight I started thinking about it, and thinking about this clip.

Could what happened to me be the faintest tell of why people who struggle with autism have ticks, or seem to need to jolt their body around? Could it be similar to what happened to me earlier. Just too much stimulation, and a feeling of a need to distract from it and disperse it into an output. As someone who is rarely overwhelmed with emotion or stimulation, I seldom feel the need to do some quick jerky repetitive motion for an output. And because it was just that time at the height of emotional sensitivity (and more accurately trying to block body sensation and stimulation), it looked normal (or maybe slightly abnormal, but not enough to get me sent anywhere). But what if I always had that degree of unwanted stimulation? What if I always waved my hands frantically about me to relieve what I was feeling. Clearly, at that point my behavior would become abnormal, and I would be looked at funny. It guess in a way it just gave me that extra bit of compassion for when people with emotional and bodily sensitivities have ticks that I don't understand. At least I could understand it, if only incredibly tangentially, for that moment. So instead of seeing the ticks, and at times violent ones, and thinking, I'm not sure how to deal with this situation, or that is odd behavior, I hope I can think of the over sensitivity I felt, and how daunting it must feel to that person to be so overwhelmed with stimulation all the time, needing that output the lessen the burden of stimulation.

edit. to continue the story above
Trying to explain why feeling vulnerable is so hard for me. Explaining when I have to stray from my fierce independence and have to be vulnerable it's incredibly difficult for me when someone doesn't want to be there for me. I crumble, all of the walls of my defenses I've used to deal with people in my life crumble before me. When important people to me have hurt me, by showing me I am not a priority, or by not being there, I told myself "you don't matter to them". At first I would take small steps looking back to see if they were watching, as I trudged to the borders of attachment for them, and then with one final and solemn stare I would seek their gaze, and if averted I stubbornly never looked back; emotionally that is. I fiercely and stubbornly say, if you don't want to be there for me, fine, I don't need you anyway. It's how I've dealt with times of hurt in the past because I've never put myself as enough of a priority to tell them it hurts. I just say, if I don't matter to you fine, I don't have to, but I don't need you. But as I never put myself enough of a priority to tell people that their actions hurt, louder and louder became the voice in my head "You don't matter". Because I never let myself matter. Because I've always told myself that if people didn't want to think that I mattered, I didn't feel I should make them, so I just walked away, emotionally detached. So now it may have become a thing that I preempt that people will not view me as important with a stoic disattachment. So that I never let them have the chance to tell me I'm not important to them, so I never have to feel the hurt of searching someone's eyes who don't meet mine. In a way I've told myself I'm better than that, I'm beyond meekly imploring people to care about me. That's why when being vulnerable is a necessity. When I actually need someone to care about me because I actually need their help with something (I will try to wiggle into a situation where I am absolutely independent, so the situation is completely rare), when someone gives me gestures that they don't like being there for me. I crumble. I hate having to be helped because I feel like a burden, because no one should have to care for me if they don't want to. So when they show me gestures that they don't want to be there (even if it is just something simple) that voice in my head gets louder, and starts to sting in my ears. "You don't matter, you don't matter, you don't matter" I'm left crippled and paralyzed. I can't fake independence if I don't physically have it, and I don't believe I'm important enough to tell people to view me as important, so I just sit there with that schizophrenic saying lurking in my body. It's just a feeling of wanting to double over onto yourself and disappear. The reality is, obviously, that it is completely maladaptive, and a vicious cycle. The more I don't view myself as important, the more I let others view me as unimportant, I solidify my own prophecy. The reality is, as much as I hate it (I truly do hate the thought) I will not be able to be fiercely independent forever. My aging body will simply not be capable of it. I can avoid it, but eventually I'm going to have to trust someone to view me as important enough to them to care for me. It scares the crap out of me. I'm honestly not sure how to start to deal with it all.


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