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You're too fast to chase, anymore.

This song still gives me the chills.

Last year in August, I got another episode of some of the worst anxiety of my life.

It was hot summer, and the heat made it harder to sleep. I laid on the cool kitchen tile, staring up at the ceiling light. It was 2 in the morning.

I hadn't slept in three days.

My body twitched with awkward convulsions as it tried to sleep but my brain remained drugged on stress hormones from my anxiety.  I tried to think of how that was kind of interesting or neat. But despite attempts to trivialize it, I knew it wasn't neat. It was scary and bewildering.

This song played through my head in the background of my scurrying and frantic thoughts.

"I'm tired, I've been waiting for you. I'm so tired, and I need to lay down."

Anyone who has experienced a chronic episode of anxiety knows the dogged feeling of wanting to sleep so goddamn bad but being so idiotically and paradoxically afraid of sleeping.

I listened to that song a lot when I had that episode. It played through my head in part because it matched how I felt. Terribly, terribly tired.

But not just physically. Tired of fighting. Tired of trying so hard. Tired of trying to be who I was before it hit.

The song is also a metaphor. A metaphor for trying too hard to be what you aren't.

"I need to lay down. But you're traveling high speeds. And you're fast. Too fast to chase, anymore. You're too fast to chase, anymore"

After that line, the song starts a gloomy underbeat on the guitar, but there is also an air of angelic music. A bittersweet realization.

When you're anxious. All you want is to chase the person before anxiety. The person who was happy. The person's who's brain hadn't gone haywire.

But it's impossible. That person doesn't exist. And the more we fight to be that person, the further they get from us.

The song to me is also a meloncholy and hopeful reminder that I need to let go and stop chasing being normal or okay.

The song gives me the chills because it takes me back to that awful place. It's hard to not try to avoid that place. Because us people of anxiety are scared of ourselves in that place. Scared of losing our strength and willpower.

But we need to remember to let go. To rest. To stop chasing and fighting to be something else.


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